Star-like destinies

quote from Daily Bread

2008-05-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

Our responsibility is to let the Lord and His Word convict us about our own hearts.
-Bill Crowder

If you want to teach, you should teach part time. Teaching as a profession would be a waste of your potential.

2008-04-04T23:50:00.001-07:00

“Lord, you give and take away. Blessed be Your name.”

I cannot say, I have nothing left, though the two or one wants I did hold in my heart…
Have shattered, have scattered and are strewn on paths dark to me.
Tempted, I am to try to find the fragments, but this “heart will choose to stay.”

I knew, and understood. I knew I would lose it all, like clenching the air. Time laughs.
‘Tis ironic, that though we choose our ways, we still in moments of euphoria, against reason and integrity, prove insanity, motion up streams that have long been gone.

I am either fool or ingrate, my spirit still longs.
But to Your credit I will forever proclaim:
Blessed be Your name. You give and take away. My heart will choose to stay.

spirit

2008-03-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

I don't always have something to say.

From [Word Of God Speak lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]:

Kutless Word Of God Speak Lyrics

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[Chorus:]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[Chorus 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

This is enough for me for now Lord. Someday I know you'll send me out.

If you've got time, please visit http://hermanhawkkan.blogspot.com/ there's a nice post about spirit and truth.

shortcoming a blow to pride

2008-03-29T20:22:00.001-07:00

Lord, i know i've got a long way to go;
so help me to keep on going.

Dedicated to God

2008-03-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

You waited at the door...

despite my convictions to be independent,
despite my obsession with rationality,
despite my commitment to unsentimentality,
as i was too dependent on man,
too rash in my feeling driven motions,
and did not cherish the preciousness of emotions.

despite my tangency,
you waited at the door.

interview with jack tramiel

2007-12-12T12:05:00.001-08:00

When I was in high school, it seemed like there was almost a culture war between users of the Commodore 64, the Apple IIe, and the Atari 800. What do you think was different about the machines and the people who used them?
Tramiel: The only difference was the price. Because it seems that in this country, if you sell something cheaper, it can't be as good. If it's more expensive, and it's the same product, it must be a better product. That didn't stop me. I still wanted to sell it for a low price. But if a person pays three times as much for a computer, he has to be proud of it, because he paid for it. He can't call himself stupid.

innocence

2007-11-26T01:19:00.000-08:00

ironic how i have to plan it...

bittersweet

2007-10-09T23:36:00.001-07:00

are memories

nothing more

2007-08-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

There is nothing more, that you would take away, that i could not let go. May my life be a pleasing sacrifice, wholly dedicated and fruitful. I touch on fear, but then, what should a man fear if he possesses nothing, not even his life? His master of course. If a man can be a talent, then i pray i not dig a hole and hide in it.

2007-07-13T22:49:00.001-07:00

my brother suggested that the most important priority in looking for a woman is loyalty. i know it to be wise advice, but find it hard to follow. though it matters not now, because i will choose not to go into any relationship if not for the sake of the one i choose it with when i do. for i wish not for my past hurts to pain others.

2007-07-10T01:26:00.000-07:00

not knowing what she thinks, i hope she does not believe that i have anything against her.
the distance i'm trying to place is only to care for her, and to be better prepared to do so if the opportunity arises in the future. all the while hoping she will forgive me for my failures.

what better place to write in a place that nobody reads, but that hopefully one day at a later date you may come across and know a little of what motive i had.

a sincere prayer

2007-06-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

Abba, Savior, Spirit, please support me; for i am weak.

2007-06-15T08:50:00.001-07:00

Psalm 119:65-72 (New International Version)

X Teth
65 Do good to your servant
according to your word, O LORD.

66 Teach me knowledge and good judgment,
for I believe in your commands.

67 Before I was afflicted I went astray,
but now I obey your word.

68 You are good, and what you do is good;
teach me your decrees.

69 Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies,
I keep your precepts with all my heart.

70 Their hearts are callous and unfeeling,
but I delight in your law.

71 It was good for me to be afflicted
so that I might learn your decrees.

72 The law from your mouth is more precious to me
than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

2007-06-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

can i love you?

2007-06-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

"how great is our God"

of the centurion

2007-06-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

Luke 7:9
"When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, 'I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.'"

NIV note: "he was amazed. The amazement of Jesus is only mentioned twice, here because of belief and at Nazareth because of unbelief (Mk 6:6)."

today's prayer

2007-05-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Lord please
heal my corrupt mind,
place Your glory in my heart,
and may my life reflect both of these.

i am sorry Lord

2007-05-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

i have sinned,
i found a reason to push you away;
rather than the reason to approach you.
because it is not the circumstance, but how i react to it Lord.
and i have reacted badly.
please forgive me, and teach me to pray prayers like that of Moses i read today.

ben

sparrow

2007-05-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

sparrows are plain with no particularly lovable features...

walk before Him

2007-04-30T01:12:00.000-07:00

may i not look for consolation and act rashly.
guard my heart oh Lord,
dry the tears confined to my soul, i will keep them there.
may i love selflessly.
may i pray for heart desires, mine and others' in manner of empathy.
may i hurt because of hurts of others and let my pain die.
may i develop patience and harbor peace from You.
grow me Lord, because i am insufficient the way i am.

to God and to the woman i try to love

2007-04-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder why i place my hopes in another human when logic tells me obviously my faith would be better spent on God. i think it is humanity... being just another sucker like adam, that despite God, and any companion on earth; i'd long for her.

remind me Lord to love a woman, but not to idolize her. to know that there is possibility my hopes will come crashing down on me because of where i put them, but to live day by day not worrying about the day after so that i may find peace and live life well.

you are precious to me, i do not want to be a burden to you. i hope w/o a promise from you, and am willing to know pain or joy as the fruit of my decision.

"I am aware of what I ask for." (星期五, 二月 16, 2007 : 不要担心) i will blame noone for my decisions.

2007-04-04T22:51:00.000-07:00

anime - ah! my goddess: i don't doubt because i chose to trust in [].
[]:keichi

(quote stolen from a facebook):
Waiting is our destiny as creatures who cannot by themselves bring about what they hope for. We wait in darkness for a flame we cannot light. We wait in fear for a happy ending we cannot write. We wait for a not yet that feels like a not ever. Waiting is the hardest work of hope. - John Ortberg

Determination

When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
and it seems like life is all uphill,
But you don't give in~
you just give it time
since you're intent
to make the climb...
that's determination

When you just can't win,
as you sometimes won't,
and you feel like quitting; but you don't...
When you've met defeat,
yet still can smile,
stopping only to rest awhile...
that's determination

-Emily Matthews-

bump

2007-03-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

found a bump on the back of my neck, i wonder if it's cancer or just some gland infection. what would my life & death be like if i had cancer...

insufficient

2007-03-02T00:41:00.000-08:00

how i am right now is insufficient

i will better myself to be more able, though there will always be that which i am unable. may incompetence be replaced by willful dependence.

i have this ambition.

不要担心

2007-02-16T01:07:00.000-08:00

She looks at the photo and the drawing on my desk
Asking who it is.
In face of my silence, she asks, is it her?
I consent it is.

And a look of sadness comes across her face
She knows it’s been years since I’ve shown any interest in these matters
And thinks I’ve invested more of my heart than I should in this one
Fearing for me the disappointment and the hurt that just may well be to come

It is my initiative after all,
If I have chosen to blunt the possibilities,
There is no sense in boasting about opportunities that may have been.
But are not.
No sense in fearing disappointment when if given the chance
I would hope despite it
And gladly try to protect and to trust though risk there always is
Of the human heart to be broken.

Mother, do not be worrisome for me.
I am aware of what I ask for.

2007-02-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

"it is not self-seeking"

randomness

2007-02-08T16:54:00.000-08:00

can God make a rock he cannot lift?
i had an intricate answer for this previously... but today randomly thinking about it, another more elegant solution presented itself.

The rock that God chooses not to uproot, that is such a rock; for He is faithful. All rocks were made by God.
it makes logical sense.

portfolio

2007-02-01T02:17:00.000-08:00

my heart is in a non-peaceful state,
i have trouble doing my work because of this.

*edit*
have you not learnt your lesson son, stop thinking of the futures that could be, the past that was and the present that you wish for but is not being. concentrate on doing your best for the present that is.

*edit2*
i feel like an amateur artist again, afraid to put down each stroke because what i am drawing is precious to me. man... i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall writing this on blog.

today

2007-01-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

It's 2:00am, most likely you're already in bed as you have to work tomorrow morning in all likelihood. There are things that are a conscious choice, but this wondering if you're alright that accompanies this choice, i don't understand its timing and fervor.

"There are some things right in the world" - Ananth (applegeeks.com)

2007-01-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070122/tc_nm/china_thief_dc

mundane post of what i do

2007-01-22T15:07:00.000-08:00

today: slept all day, recovering from yesterday, read a bit of bible, but nothing deep.

yesterday: morning service, lunch and hanging out with tim, rushed home for one hr rest, greet sam and kam, left with them, bro and tais to play badminton with small group and grace church ppl, had dinner with those same ppl, hung out a bit more with sam, then video games into the night, later into the night: news, email and web comics.

tomorrow: portfolio.

我要努力记得

2007-01-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

“Biblical love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of its object,” - Voddie Bauchamp, Jr.

sometimes i forget, don't let me forget again God.

Starfield - A Cry in my Heart

2007-01-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

If I opened my heart D A Could I go there with you Bm G For I've been here before D A Yet I know there's still more Em A O Lord, I need to know you
edit: circumstances seem to be lining up once more,
for the first time in a long time, things are looking up.
not everything, but then again, not everything is a
God sanctioned desire of the heart and even some of
those ones takes perseverance.

Thank You God

2007-01-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

I'm still searching for how to ask You the questions you want me to ask, and how to listen when You speak. You are a God of providence. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for revealing to me a truth deeper than the answer i sought, of reminding what is more important to me.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread
forgive us our debts as we have forgiven our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.
Amen.

Prayer is one of the needed, and Jesus said, “This, then, is how you should pray"

heart, desire, fear, and hope

2007-01-05T06:56:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid to put my whole heart into something,
Because i fear at the end, only disappointment will remain.
How will God, then "give [me] the desires of [my] heart?"

For what want is weighty enough to consider a "desire[] of
your heart" than for a whole-hearted want?

I must put my whole heart in. But what of the disappointment.

I thought preparing myself for every outcome was the solution to avoid being disappointed. I don't doubt God's ability, but I do my ability to discern which desires are from Him, and which are from me. So how effective is this manner of doing things?

My own works (in this case preparing myself to meet all scenarios), covers all the bases of success and failure, allows me to plan ahead to how I will react to each outcome, softening the blow. Softening the blow... to a heart's desire's despair, if my heart is in it then there is no escape. Man's contraptions cannot assure success, I gamble with my heart.

The key to the lock of Psalm 37:4 is this: "Delight yourself in the Lord."
This is how to come about desire, and how success is guaranteed.

happiness

2007-01-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

You, Bombardier, Edison, crazy kitchen that play tricks on balance, tiny rockets and space ship with many buttons, tunnels and sliding, trains, and lots of photos.

2006-12-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

remember to wait when God is silent,
and to listen when He speaks.

It's useless to presently keep asking the questions He intends to answer later.

determination

2006-09-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

how strong is my resolve to love you?

the rape of nanking

2006-09-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

i borrowed it for my brother by request from the library(The Rape of Nanking, by Iris Chang),
i just recently read bits and pieces; it tells of atroceties i never bothered to acknowledge fully when my parents would mention the crimes that the japanese committed against the chinese.

i would say, the japanese people of today are not the japanese people that committed those crimes in the past, and make no mistake, i still believe this true.

but now i understand the outrage concerning the changing of history.
when the book talks of the trials and death penalties that were given out as sentences, for the first time in my life i painfully resented that death was too good for these men. that they should have faced every suffering they had caused to so many hundreds of thousands, that 1/3 captives died under them as opposed to 1/25 in world warI in nazis concentration camps was a sickening shock. i wished wrath and revenge, because they deserved no less. for every rape, murder, beating, execution, atrocity they committed that they receive it the number of times they had victimized another, and tenfold for the inhumanity such acts show.

i cannot and do not hate the japanese race, i hate these men that so wronged, so very wronged people. and i prayed this:

God you are a just judge. i would think hell were too good for them if it were not only what i do not know of it that numbs my fear of it. God you are a just judge. The victims, how they suffered will you take this into account though they may not have known you? God you are a just judge. How do you find grace for men like these? my mind tells me i need to learn your grace, because it is all that saves us all... but my heart is sickened and furious... (my hope is in you)

spiritual checklist(quote from daily bread)

2006-07-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

I suggest that we get over our reluctance. With Godâ€™s guidance, letâ€™s undergo a spiritual checkup, using Proverbs 4:20-27 as a checklist.

Ears (v.20): Are we hearing Godâ€™s Word clearly and with understanding? Are we doing what those words tell us?

Eyes (vv.21,25): Are we keeping our eyes on the teachings that will guide us toward righteousness?

Heart (v.23): Are we protecting our heart from evil?

Tongue (v.24): Is our mouth clean and pure?

Feet (v.26): Are we walking straight toward Godâ€™s truth without wavering?

Daily Bread Quote:

2006-06-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

June 22, 2006

Millions!

LISTEN TO ODB RADIO: Real | MP3 | WMA

READ: Luke 12:13-34

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. —Luke 12:34

About this cover

The British film Millions tells the engaging story of two brothers who find a bag full of money with no apparent owner. The younger boy wants to use it to help the poor, while the older sibling sees it as his ticket to popularity and the good life. What unfolds is a story that vividly contrasts the freedom of a generous spirit with the frustration of a grasping hand.

In a sermon based on Genesis 3, my pastor said, “Our hands have been clenched from the fall.” Jesus’ teachings about faith and generosity seem deliberately intended to pry them open. He said, “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Sell what you have and give alms; provide yourselves money bags which do not grow old, a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Luke 12:32-34).

The words of our Lord may sound so radical that we find it difficult to figure out how to put them into practice. But if we honestly seek His guidance, He will guide our steps and guard our hearts from worry.

I suspect that the generous boy in that movie had open hands long before millions fell into them. — David C. McCasland

One grace each child of God can show
Is giving from a willing heart;
Yet, if we wait till riches grow,
It may be that we’ll never start. —D. De Haan

There is more power in the open hand than in the clenched fist.

For similar resources, search these topics:

shy vs confident theory

2006-06-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

if people think you a shy person, they are much more forgiving to you not taking the first step and more likely to take initiative.
if people think you a confident person, then you are more likely to seem like a prick for the same lack of action and be ignored for not paying attention to others.

Dear Lord

2006-05-23T00:16:00.000-07:00

how do i explain this fatigue that comes everytime i sit in meditation?
when i have time to think, my mind always walks back to this place where i am not doing enough, where i am not who i want to be just yet, where i am lonely and tired from not enough.

the work i want to do in your name is so far, my loves not perfect, and my soul so idle. give me my daily bread. show me my starlike destiny of today.

if only you'd take away this loneliness i might stop using it as an excuse... but i must stop anyway.

to be a changed person, to not disapoint myself, to not disapoint you, to not disapoint the ones i love, to "you jing bu"(have progressed).

month of april

2006-05-02T16:53:00.000-07:00

watching naruto, i realised how come we love watching hard work and dedication yet do not excercise it?

watching love hina, it was repeated how if you love someone, that when the time comes to admit it in front of the world, we had better have the courage and humility to do it.

while dreading a failure in academics, i learnt the relationship between dependence on God and my share of hard work; that it takes dependence on God emotionally and spiritually in order to tap into the full potential with which i can do my best hardwork unhindered by weights on the heart.

while talking with a friend, i realised how misunderstood we sometimes are when we rationalise the possibilities, the perceived "good" outcomes are generally easy to plan for and to elaborate on; but when it comes to the perceived "losing" outcome, we are not always sure and so when we talk to others to understand for ourselves what we would do in that case, and only ask of this aspect, they say we worry too much that we are too negative. when in truth we are planning for both.

notasparrow

2006-03-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

i know a good cry would feel real good
but the lack of reason, lack of feeling
keeps all fear, good cheer and tears inside

leaf

2006-03-28T23:25:00.000-08:00

May the road rise up to you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And the rains fall soft upon your fields,
=) And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand
an Irish Blessing.

(censored)

2006-03-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

because we can say many things,
but it is not always wise to do something just because you can

cropped, and looping .... Spin Doctors - Two Princes

2006-02-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

One, two, princes kneel before you
(that’s what I said, now)
Princes, princes who adore you
(just go ahead, now)
One has diamonds in his pockets
(that sounds great, now)
This one, said he wants to buy you lockets
(ain’t in his head, now)

This one, he got a princely racket
(that’s what I said, now)
Got some big seal upon his jacket
(ain’t in his head, now)
Marry him, your father will condone you
(how bout that, now)
Marry me, your father will disown you
(he’ll eat his hat, now)

Aww, marry him or marry me,
I’m the one that loves you b baby can’t you see?
Ain’t got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be,
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
(just go ahead, now)
An’ if you’d like to tell me maybe
(just go ahead, now)
An if you wanna buy me flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you’d like to talk for hours
(just go ahead, now)

Said, one, two, princes kneel before you
(that’s what I said, now)
Princes, princes who adore you
(just go ahead, now)
One has diamonds in his pockets
(that sounds great, now)
This one, he wants to buy you lockets
(ain’t in his head, now)

Marry him or marry me,
I’m the one that loves you baby can’t you see?
Ain’t got no future or a family tree,
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be,
I know what a prince and lover ought to be....

Said, if you want to call me baby
(just go ahead, now)
An’ if you’d like to tell me maybe
(just go ahead, now)
If you wanna buy me flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you’d like to talk for hours
(just go ahead, now)
And if you want to call me baby
(just go ahead, now)
An’ if you’d like to tell me maybe
(just go ahead, now)
If you’d like buy me flowers
(just go ahead, now)
And if you’d like to talk for hours
(just go ahead, now)

Said, if you want to call me baby

(just go ahead, now)

An’ if you’d like to tell me maybe

(just go ahead, now)

If you wanna buy me flowers

(just go ahead, now)

And if you’d like to talk for hours

(just go ahead, now)

Ohh baby

(just go ahead now) repeat to fade..

no number to call

2006-02-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

when can i rest Lord
your work finds my heart breaking,
and i don't know how to ask
or to live with a new one each time.

when can i no longer fade...
when can i say and mean
this place, that place
it no longer matters where i am

everyday

2006-02-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

sorry God

evolutionists encouraging non-critical thinking

2006-02-14T21:34:00.000-08:00

whoever still believes that all evolutionists are pro critical thinking, whereas people who believe in creationism are all trying to deny progress, have not looked at society recently.

quote from: http://today.reuters.com/news/

COLUMBUS, Ohio (Reuters) - In another setback for those who want schools to question the theory of evolution, Ohio education officials voted on Tuesday to remove a first-in-the-nation lesson plan that allowed teachers to do so.

By a vote of 11 to 4, the Ohio Board of Education pulled a model lesson plan on the subject it had approved in 2004 and sent the matter to a committee for revisions, according to J.C. Benton, spokesman for the state's education department.

He said the lesson plan in question permitted science teachers to encourage students to look at questions about evolution -- something that proponents of "intelligent design" generally call "teaching the controversy."

The lesson plan did not specifically mention intelligent design, the concept that God or some other higher intelligence must have been responsible for what happened in evolution from the start and through the process.

Benton said the optional lesson plan had been available to Ohio schools since it was approved but it was not known how many science teachers may have elected to use it.

The board had come under pressure from science groups to pull the lesson plan. Ohio was the first state to adopt such a teaching instruction.

The vote was at least the second major setback for proponents of intelligent design. Last year in Pennsylvania a federal court ruled that the theory could not be taught in a public school in that state which had required it. The school board in Dover, Pennsylvania, which had approved the teaching, was voted out of office.

i'm looking for a church to call home and major reason i left

2006-02-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

[...]
[23:15] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: i know... i want everyone to be more critical to think for themselves and not be spoon fed, i want all of the church to have individual strong pursued relationships with God
[23:15] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: as well as a strong sense of community
[23:16] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: but i won't try to achieve it by spawning discord among brother's and sisters and seperating the church i do have good memories of at occasional points in my life
[23:17] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: the Bible is clear about this, not to seperate the church
[23:17] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: not to make divides within it
[23:18] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: it also says however that fellowship with brothers and sisters is important (censored name)
[23:18] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: and this is why i brought it up
[23:20] sparrow :: Love:God be my witness: maybe it's time we found such a fellowship for ourselves
[...]

Anyone who cares enough about me to take me in?
and if he's willing i'm bringing (censored name) too! ;P

goal

2006-02-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

to you

2006-02-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

i wish i could make everything all better with you and for you.
you have the ultimate say so in your life
i understand you won't always want, and i'm not always able
but you'll find me willing when you want and ready

Wouldn't It Be Nice - Beachboys

2006-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know it’s gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we’ve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn’t it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happy

Wouldn’t it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be nice

which one is me, how can they both be?

2006-02-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

he sped up the stairs seeing the metro doors caught in suspension, something must have been in their way momentarily; but now whatever it was, was gone and they would close.
up the stairs, racing. the last stretch between the platform and the stairs, racing.
he made it just in time the doors closing, touching his backpack...

taking a breath he looked around, an older woman watched him smiling; and why not he thought, why shouldn't simple and elementary accomplishments bring smiles from us, he had just raced through the doors and succeeded in getting by, a minor personal accomplishment granted, but what did its weight matter? so smile he did as well.

=====

sitting here, he received a phone call; his brother's spouse, his sister in law; asked for the whereabouts of his brother and mother. having been answered with cluelessness, she informed him that they were probably at the hospital, his father had just gotten his operation. didn't he know? he had been praying for the past while, asking for prayers; so why did he not feel. why is he numb of fear, numb of sympathy and of love.

=====

how can i know to take the slight joys of life to heart, but not feel when it comes to things so important to me? who am i?

why do we go only half the way?

2006-02-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

she watched him, and he watched her;
does she recognize me? i cannot see her well enough, do i know her?
continues to probe his mind for a recollection of recognition...

she seats herself in an opposing seat, they've already acknowledged each others' presence;
it's impolite to stare, glances... wonders...
...i think i know... i think i remember...
now, i remember, she used to get off at the same stop before i moved, at some point i said next time i saw her again on this bus that i'd talk to her; but things have changed, i've moved, and we no longer have the bus stop in common; things have changed, ppl change, i'm so tired.
he closes his eyes for a bit to avoid having to own up to what he said to himself in the past.

wakes unable to doze, assumes a amused smile. suprised, he recognized her after so long and with my inability to recognize ppl; let's see if i am right.
she gets off on Napoleon... yes i was not mistaken, amusement to having remembered brings a smile, but a missed opportunity to get to know yet another person adds an emptiness.

people walk in the public eye, many wanting to be noticed; but once each acknowledge each other, the failure to admit it by means of commitment(though we fear it, for sake of commiting w/o knowing), defeats us.

2006-01-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

"You are one of a kind—designed to glorify God as only you can." - Excerpt from Daily Bread

morning-read-that-caught-my-eye

2006-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

But Job responded, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" (v.10).

conversation between A and B

2006-01-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

[00:16] person A: are you sensitive
[00:16] person B: i'm human
[00:16] person B: to love, it's impossible to not need, depends on how you deal with that need

you're person A because you are important.

i'm person B and as for how i deal with my needs, up till now i've been avoiding the question quite well; tonight i finally asked God to intervene cause i know i can't go on like this forever.

new "thing to do"

2006-01-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

⁴ In your anger do not sin;

when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
Selah

⁵ Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.

maybe insomnia isn't so bad after all, it might just have its uses.

2006-01-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

forbid her tears to reach the earth
recognize them for what they're worth
touch the sadness in her love
change it to comfort from above
for nothing else will do
and i feel helpless in truth
i can pray and know you hear
but only you may sate her fears

i would trade my soul to righteousness
but nothing could it cleanse
and nothing would it mean
so please Jesus, please

i am out of place to ask, i have no right, i have no merit; but i ask because i still feel her tears and know you do a billion and more fold. you understand her feeling of loss and all the things through her mind and heart better than anyone, and you can do all things.

"Cry In My Heart" - Starfield

2006-01-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

"Cry In My Heart"

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

new year resolution

2006-01-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

Lord, caring for people, though rewarding, is taxing and at times hope wells up where it might be best if it didn't, and the disapointment that follows takes its toll; and i know you do your best to keep me whole with what access my stubborn heart limits you to. i feel as adam might have before he was with eve.

a new year's resolution:
sensitivity for guys is to exist, feelings and emotions too; but to show them with abandon is expected to be a rare occasion, its reasons and intentions already considered with time before respectful expression. most tears should never leave the eyes that those that fall may be precious in their selflessness. this will become my mantra of sensitivity.

i won't put on a mask because i cherish sincerity too much; but what i do or say or do not, it's to look out for the best interests of the ones i love; restraint is not acting.

i meant to

2006-01-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

i really did, i meant to post something profound.
but instead, i'm censoring my thoughts tonight; because after a day of what i thought was clarity, they're all muddled up and confused.

This Christmas

2005-12-25T21:17:00.000-08:00

there's quite a few good things this Christmas, and only two regrets;
one is school, but i never gave it another thought.
the second is the discontent and melancholy i cannot erase from another's heart.
and about this i've been thinking these over and over as if it'd do any good.
praying my heart out to have you smiling a sincere unhindered joy;
i'm quite helpless, still i've come up with a plan, but you're going to have to help me out and figure the things of your heart and teach them to me so that i can carry it out as i seem to get them wrong a lot.
so please excuse my lack of genius and awkwardness at times.

INSECURE

2005-12-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

Ben:
At least you know your love is best Lord, at least you deserve all love and know it true.
Instead, i know my love is not perfect and am constantly left wondering if those i love are better off being loved by someone other than me.
I feel as if i am at a disadvantage, even with the humanity you experienced and empathize for; how can you understand this insecurity of mine?

God:
I tell you the truth, even if you loved with a love so pure and unfailing that it wrought tears enough to satisfy righteousness; even if you had earned all right to being loved by mankind; love is a choice and each chooses as he/she so pleases. The greatest love does not always win, still it loves in the best way, and waits patiently in the doorway for the day it becomes fufilled, for truly love requires more than one will.
Do not concern yourself with the love others are able to give, but love patiently and properly in obedience to me and as a selfless service unto others; and if your love falters, know that i love you and continue.

I don't understand.

2005-12-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

Luke 4:29-30

They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the bow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

did they give passage to Christ in a moment of realisation, or did Jesus litterally walk through them? i think i need to learn hebrew and greek.

Quote from Daily Bread

2005-11-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

I have an old nature that noisily clamors
To satisfy empty desire;
But God in His goodness has sent me a Helper
Who whispers, "Your calling is higher." —Gustafson

to meditate

2005-11-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

to meditate on God's word
to admit one's own inability, and search for a love great enough to find a way
to accept graceful agape and to find longing to reciprocate in obedience and service
through a godly life by a heart's transformation.
to find worth in his wisdom and character of love to compel and sustain this godly life and heart's transformation becoming.

to find peace in true promises that will last ..forever

out of the blue

2005-10-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

why is it, that out of the blue
the past comes back to haunt me
i think of times once upon a time
reminisce of that once when
you told me you were waiting for me
and the time that we sat in the guest's room
you asking me what was wrong
and me saying: nothing, that you should go to bed.
and i said it with a smile because i cared.
maybe not out of the blue,
mayhaps it be the loneliness i surround myself with
figures it comes about when i stay detached
detached from everyone only sometimes finding God.
so what is my starlike destiny Lord, to dream, to hope,
to pursue a made up life
or to wake and live and die living or trying.

Psalm 16 (continued)

2005-10-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
(i will find my purpose only in you, you are the one true God)

I will not pour out their libations of
blood
or take up their names on my
lips.
(NIV: [i will not] Appeal to or worship them. Your view of me is the only one that matters and i am to be different as a believer.)

LORD, you have assigned me my
portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
(you have determined my destiny and nothing and noone can take it away from me)

The boundary lines have fallen for
me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful
inheritance.
(i know the starlike dance of a destiny you have chosen for me is in my best interest, for "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" and that you watch over even the sparrows.)

Psalm 16 (beginning)

2005-10-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
(Lord, protect me from myself, my temptations and sin)

I said to the Lord, “You are my
Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
(You are MY Lord, other than you and what you give I have no good thing, you are the unmistakable first in my life and all good things of mine are from you.)

As for the saints who are in the
land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
(Your disciples, sons and daughters; my teachers, brothers and sisters are my delight)

(to be continued)

thanksgiving

2005-10-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

went to MCAC today; very few ppl are familiar with me now; i used to be a regular, but no more.
the pastor never added me to the email list for months, despite being apprentice in small groups since their start and saying he would once or twice.
people act even more awkward with me than before, i'm thinking it's because i've started to become viewed as a spiritual slacker of some sort, or a deviant (due to my confrontational and unconforming style).

today's sermon asked what are we thankful for... i thought and thought and nothing came to mind which i felt thankful enough to be moved... not immediately at least,
then i realised God gave me a little more passion for my life. Before i left montreal, i was living a depressingly mediocre life with a pending sense of dead-endedness. Other people wanted to share and i was intent on giving them priority to me telling everyone that God gave me time away from them and that was what i was thankful for.
i also remembered how God kept good things for me till the time was right; how words from mars i hadn't been spoiled with, how much impact they had because they had been few.
i have a family to be thankful for: a mother, a father, a brother and sister and a sister-in-law and a grandma.
life is not at its worst, life is not at its best, it's as good as i let God do for me, no more, no less. there will always be something to be thankful for.

In the beginning of the sermon, we were given a seed; at its end we were to put our offering money into a bowl of seeds up front, our seed in a cup on the altar and take a fruit from the latter as well. mistakingly, i waved my hand over the bowl, dropping my seed and picking a fruit from the altar and going back to my seat. before sitting down, i realised my mistake in putting the seed in the bowl, smiled and thought it fitting that my destiny possibly lay apart from this congregation, understood that i had nothing holding me back. After the service, i was possibly the first to leave. On my way out, seated at the last row... did i recognize this person correctly?

(flashback)
Karin: Hey Ben, she speaks mandarin also, ...(I can't remember her name) this is Ben, Ben this is ... .
...: Hi *smile* *asks where i was from*
Ben: *remembering a quick wordless encounter* Hi *smiles sheepishly* *explained that i actually only go to chinese school*

the same night, when i was talking to my cousin and sister and their friends, i noticed the same person just standing near, seemingly out of place, after that i left. I'm generally a good judge of people that will come into my life... and for first few weeks wondered to God why i hadn't seen this person again yet. Yet today, she seemed to be sitting alone, didn't she know anyone from congregation?... ...nothing...something holding me back, why God do you offer me hope of change then show me need where i am? I am already indescisive enough as it is.

I know how to get by well on my own, or rather with God.

2005-08-20T23:55:00.000-07:00

It is good to be selfless and serve others, I know, for I promised my love: obedience to God and service unto others. Still, there is a sinking feeling in my heart that makes me wonder if it is wrong to cater to my humanity, is it wrong to think of self, to concern of one’s own needs? The best example I can think of is Christ, did he think of his needs when he fulfilled the will of the Father for him as he served humanity selflessly till even death upon the cross? No. I have not to worry about my needs, whether they be emotional, physical or spiritual. I do not have to fret as to where I will rest my head the next day or whether that place will be home. As He cares for the sparrow, how much more will he care for me. He numbers the hairs on my head and conceived me in my mother’s womb, he knows my needs, is able and willing. My God will love me; though I love till my heart cries for mercy and my mind of melancholy, he will refresh me with living water and I will continue to obey His will for me and serve.

Sunday Morning

2005-06-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Lord, when I learn that someone is hurting,
Help me know what to do and to say;
Speak to my heart and give me compassion,
Let Your great love flow through me today. —K. De Haan

why the big deal

2005-06-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

it's only for a month so why'd i make such a big deal

cuz i don't intend to say goodbye each time i leave
cuz i'm hoping this will be the first and shortest of many future escapades to further places...

yes i need a reason to stay in one place, but i've long lost my reason to a promise.

Joshua Chapter 1 private study

2005-06-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

- Be only(**) strong and very(***) courageous, for God is with you wherever you go and will never leave you; no one can stand up against God(****).

**: "only" as in be strong and very courageous and not "be terrified; do not be discouraged."
***: "emphasis on courage.
****: if God is with you, who then can be against you?

- Meditate on the law constantly and follow it strictly and you will be successful and prosperous.

: following of the law is a condition to being successful and prosperous.

what follows are quotes from Joshua chapter 1 that i paraphrased, the reasons i thought the particual two messages important are because of the many repetitions or volume given to these.

be strong and courageous
be strong and very courageous
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, *
Only be strong and courageous!

no one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life.
as i was with Moses, so I wlil be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
*for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.
Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.

alone

2005-06-18T07:30:00.000-07:00

whether it is circumstances or my own indecisiveness that result in me feeling alone,
i am tired of making the effort to provide time that is dispendable to others.

it is not loneliness, nor melancholy that drive me off this edge though they are without doubt influences; it is the mediocrity of life. mediocrity has toppled me.

Jesus said it right: living water, spiritual bread, sowing and reaping.
translated into: Christ himself, God's works for us, spreading awareness and belief for God's glory.
Jesus said it right, as he lead the samaritan woman from the faith of a mustard seed to all these. By declaring the savior she was blessed with life.

she accepted him, left her water jar, and went to tell all who would listen of a man that had told her all she knew about herself.

there is three similarities that come to mind immediately between her and i:
she and i have the same calling;
she and i are normal people, inadequate and weak requiring building up through God's guidance as each hurdle presents itself;
we both started out not living but in a state of living dead.

the difference is, i still feel like i am stuck in a tomb imposed by a distance between deity and i. In what way have i sinned against You Lord, that i or You have withdrawn from the other? Tell me if i have wronged You, and if i have tell me in which manner; in this way, i will know what to confess and change my ways. but if there stands no unaccounted sin though doubious this is, will You tell me why?

memories

2005-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

came across a few happy memories while sorting my stuff tonight:

a receipt:
Images en Direct
(WOTHE: BR-R-R...)

a list scribbled onto an agenda:
March 3rd Gym Day with Jeremiah
June 2nd Coffee House at OCAC
June 16th Jing-Hua
June 21rst Homegathering at Justin's
June 27th Wendy's
August 3rd Bottle - Basketball - Missed Movie
August 25th Old Port - Chinatown

searches for God
lamb -> lion
(self-sacrificing, fierce)
delicate
sensitive
caring
bright
disciplined
conservative
quick to listen, slow to speak,
slow to anger
loving
puts others b4 herself

November 9th Mcgill, Eaton Center, shopping,
café.

like a toothache

2005-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

ever felt like...
life was not so tough as to tell you you were alive through the pain
nor were you loved enough by who you wanted love from
or were looking in the wrong places for such care so as
not to make you feel warm enough to know your heart still beats
ever felt like admitting defeat

but did not
because hope forbade you to and asked you to live
a life which you were not content but could not be rid
of this life or the bland taste that each day came
to fill the mind and drive the heart to a numb insane
and at any moment you felt you could cave

have you ever felt this way
and continued to live?

help

2005-06-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

teach me when not to talk
what words to say when it is time to
be with me in everything i do

for now this is plenty for me, remind me of these continuously that they become part of my life.
i don't want to be a nuisance anymore... i want to care for those i love, not not care and make things more awkward than they already are.

reminder

2005-06-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

the other day, when asked one instance where God had worked in my life; i completely forgot this one which seemed to me an endless chain of coincidences that were simply too coincidental to be believed to be such.

i needed to get my form filled out for saturday, to submit it in order to go to taiwan; this would not have been a problem if it did not include a medical form, which required two medical exams; one was an x-ray which i did the previous night, to which the results had been sent to my doctor this morning. The second was a Hepatitis B test... these results could have been acquired at a hefty price early morning; instead, i found out very recently that my grandmother had hepatitis B and that i had been vaccinated for it a long time back.
That morning then, i was headed to the hospital where i had gotten the vaccination years ago after having been told by my current doctor that i would have to sign a releasal form for her to get at the information.
having gotten there, i headed to the office and asked if i could get this done and allow my doctor to retrieve the records from archives.... i told them the vaccination was from over 2 years when query of this came up; they then proceeded to inform me that documents are discarded after 2 years and that i would have to contact the original pediatrician that prescribed the vaccination.
Unfortunately, this pediatrician was now retired and all attempt to contact her in the past week had failed; my mother had, however, left a letter in the pediatrician's mailbox.
Fortunately my ex-pediatrician's office was located near the hospital and we proceeded to go there to check if she had at least picked up the letter.
The letter was still there... just as i was walking back to the car, the lady next door who was hanging laundry told me i should put it in the other mailbox (there are two mailboxes seperated by a little stretch of stairs and fence) i then proceeded to do so after talking with her, the conversation was slightly unclear because she was quite high up and took longer than i would have thought efficient but was glad for her assistance anyway. One last thing she told my mom and i was that doctor Chiu (the pediatrician) sometimes came to check the mail and phone messages. This gave some hope and so we started backing the car up to put it in a better spot while we considered whether to go grab some breakfast first.
A lady then walked up to the car and waved, peered into the car, my mother rolled down the window, that is when we found out she was also looking for the Dr.
My mother trying to be helpful told her that the Dr. had retired and was not at the office...
The woman exclaimed and told us that she was not actually a patient but had arranged to meet Dr. Chiu later this day and that she had simply arrived early.
SCORE! AAANNNNNNDDDD the records were later retrieved ^__________^
the FORM was FILLED OUT and i'm getting ready to leave for taiwan!
the AMAZING things...
-if my grandmother did not have hepatitis B i would not have gotten tested and vaccinated before.
-if my new doctor had not suggested that i could retrieve the records from the hospital i would not have dropped by my ex-pediatrician's office at that particular time(including departure time and waiting in line in the hospital) as it would have been far out of my way to do so.
-if i had not gone at that particular time, to her office, i would have not met the lady putting out her laundry and would not have been stalled.
-if i had not been stalled we would not have come across that lady who was meeting the Dr.
-if the car we had driven that morning out of 3 or so cars was not the red one and my mother had not been with me, she would not have mistaken my mother for Dr. Chiu and stopped us,
in which event we would not have known that Dr. Chiu was actually coming at such and such time.
At least 3 of these "coincidences" could very easily have made for a different outcome if they had not been there so "coincidentally" perfect.
God's time is perfect, and this is one instance that shows God working in my life.

lipless

2005-05-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

i want to rhyme up some lyrics
or to compose a poem
or maybe to draw that which i think is beautiful
but my words and methods of expression feel inadequate
to explain things i do not understand in myself;
how i want, and do not at the same time.
how beautiful dreams i would like to weave for others,
while always staying in my solitude of broken wishes,
romantically untouched and unloved.
afraid to say or do anything that would jeopardize
any love or innocence that still can cry.
and thus longing for a segregated life
that the happy may stay joyful
and i unaffected that they would not see,
would not empathize my emptiness.
maybe i'm a hypocrite, for loving the sound of loved surprise
by silence upon another's lips or by muted tears of an embrace
that belongs to anyone but me, i blame my ignorance and myself
for my inability to accept care with composure and respectful poise
and with this understood,
i am fully ready not to accept it at all.
so for another to give what i am ready to let go of,
it confounds me mentally, emotionally and spiritually;
it confuses me thoroughly,
where then is mercy enough to give... that which i cannot express.

confusion

2005-05-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

i'm so confused emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

the most memorable moment

2005-05-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

what is enough to formulate a not minding of time stopping

the person(s) you care most about,
innocence, gratefulness, serenity and a
plentitude of 'motions i cannot put to the pen.

what practical use does such a memory have

serves as a memory to evaluate values of the past to reaffirm those of the present

melancholy

2005-05-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

i want to leave for someplace else

everyone is blind through and with other ppl's eyes

May 18 special day

2005-05-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

on the 18th of may 2005 it rained on a sunny day here

meditation

2005-05-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

this morning, when just lying there in the sunlight...
i had just finished reading a fiction about the apocalypse

listening to music, either instrumentally intensive or just silence, i can't quite recall;
i contemplated my state, how God was not in my thoughts much;

how i had repeatedly said that i wanted Him to come into my life,
how i had fallen short repeatedly,
how He remains on the fringe of my existence.

it was at least clear that i need Him, and that i miss Him.

i should be asking two questions:
who are you Lord?
what will you have me do?

the step i should take is to reach out and take hold and hold on as if life depended on my contact with you. when will i have the faith, the courage?

Please love me tenderly Christ, i am weak.

checkers

2005-05-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

stars are pretty

Promises

2005-04-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

How to not only keep the promise, but to keep it in the most beautiful way...

identity crisis

2005-04-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

not who am i, but who are You;
because the reason i do not know myself is that i do not know You in me. And in the dubious statement that i must become like another to find myself, i know there is truth only because of who You are and who You call me to be.

Natalie Burks - What Will I Do

2005-04-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

"I wanna give my heart to you,
show me the way that you want me to."

Off-the-Top-of-my-Head

2005-04-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

Lord, i want to search for you everyday;
at least that is what i tell myself weekly.

I've started skipping from church to church and sometimes skipping altogether with the following reasons in mind:
if it will only add to my frustration with its state, i do not wish to put myself in such a precarious position as to be tempted to sin.
i do not wish to make others uncomfortable with my presence.

i am tired of the establishment Lord, aggravated by the limits imposed by human nature on the church.
i know you wish us to respect and follow the leaders, to pray for the teachers and the students, to not judge but to encourage, discipline, to build up.
you wish us to love our brothers and sisters as Christ loves us.

Lord, MCAC has become foreign to me... i no longer know much of the brothers and sisters there, and they do not know me.
Here and there, there are instances of recognition and sincerity and maybe still a strong brotherhood or two amidst; but it seems as if my time there is up and it is time to move on.
the passions which you once instilled within me serving with that portion of your church have passed in fufillment or in failure, and now it seems i must press on in other areas of ministry in other parts.

Is this the truth Father? Is it as Pastor David Tsai once told us MCACers? that there comes a time where everything we have to give to a people is spent and it is time to bring our small contributions to others to continue our work? Is it like that with me?

Wherever you lead me Lord, give me courage and faith enough, and i will go or stay. This is not a promise, but a sincere feeble desire that i wish to be strengthened through my weakness by your strength as time progresses and your works in me increase in number.
Bless me
Amen

A Prayer

2005-04-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

"Our Father and our God, thank You for Jesus who shows me how to bear my burdens and sufferings. Help me to exhibit in my life His holiness, His guileless speech, His patience, and His faith in You. Help me, Lord, not to grow weary or to lose heart but to remember You are in control. In the Savior's name. Amen." -Billy Graham (Unto the Hills)

I'm Glad

2005-04-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

my parents may soon get to retire,
my brother is happy with a new game plan,
i've got one more exam, i'll find my life yet
life is good

2005-04-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

I hung there, bleeding, thirsty and alone.
man hopes for a picturesque vision of a glorious death where even dying he stands,
but I hung there.

I saw him dying,
I had willed him to die and reject him as he did.

I was waiting…
I saw him born, still waiting…
I saw him die, still waiting…
then he taught once more and came home
and I had left.

I am after him and yet reap all the benefits.

What is Your name?

2005-04-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

SOURCE: http://cslewis.drzeus.net/papers/success.html
CONTEXTt: reffers to a book from the Chronicles of Narnia, by C. S. Lewis

"In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the fifth book of the series, Aslan tells the children that although they must return to their own world, they can find him there also (Hooper 123). Aslan says, "There I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there" (Hooper 123). Some of Lewis' readers wonder what the significance of this statement is and begin to search for Aslan here on earth. Hila, an eleven year old girl from the United States asked Lewis what Aslan's name is in this world (Dorsett 31-32). His response was this:

As to Aslan's other name, well I want you to guess. Has there never been anyone in this world who (1.) Arrived at the same time as Father Christmas. (2.) Said he was the son of the great Emperor. (3.) gave himself up for someone else's fault to be jeered at and killed by wicked people. (4.) Came to life again. (5.) Is sometimes spoken of as a Lamb.... Don't you really know His name in this world. Think it over and let me know your answer! (Dorsett 32)"

rain on the windowpane

2005-04-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

there's something calming...
about just observing the raindrops
that have come to rest on a windowpane

2005-04-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

Father and Mother: Son, you will study to become successful and reknown.

Son: Why is this so important to you?

Father and Mother: Because we love you, we want to offer you the best that we never had.

Son: Father, Mother, you have both worked hard at low wages at jobs you do not like but persevere because of responsability. if you want to offer me the best that you never had, can i have a job that i like?

Father and Mother: No. you will become successful and reknown, it is what is best for you, you'll understand when you grow older.