determination

how strong is my resolve to love you?

the rape of nanking

i borrowed it for my brother by request from the library(The Rape of Nanking, by Iris Chang),
i just recently read bits and pieces; it tells of atroceties i never bothered to acknowledge fully when my parents would mention the crimes that the japanese committed against the chinese.

i would say, the japanese people of today are not the japanese people that committed those crimes in the past, and make no mistake, i still believe this true.

but now i understand the outrage concerning the changing of history.
when the book talks of the trials and death penalties that were given out as sentences, for the first time in my life i painfully resented that death was too good for these men. that they should have faced every suffering they had caused to so many hundreds of thousands, that 1/3 captives died under them as opposed to 1/25 in world warI in nazis concentration camps was a sickening shock. i wished wrath and revenge, because they deserved no less. for every rape, murder, beating, execution, atrocity they committed that they receive it the number of times they had victimized another, and tenfold for the inhumanity such acts show.

i cannot and do not hate the japanese race, i hate these men that so wronged, so very wronged people. and i prayed this:

God you are a just judge. i would think hell were too good for them if it were not only what i do not know of it that numbs my fear of it. God you are a just judge. The victims, how they suffered will you take this into account though they may not have known you? God you are a just judge. How do you find grace for men like these? my mind tells me i need to learn your grace, because it is all that saves us all... but my heart is sickened and furious... (my hope is in you)