lipless

i want to rhyme up some lyrics
or to compose a poem
or maybe to draw that which i think is beautiful
but my words and methods of expression feel inadequate
to explain things i do not understand in myself;
how i want, and do not at the same time.
how beautiful dreams i would like to weave for others,
while always staying in my solitude of broken wishes,
romantically untouched and unloved.
afraid to say or do anything that would jeopardize
any love or innocence that still can cry.
and thus longing for a segregated life
that the happy may stay joyful
and i unaffected that they would not see,
would not empathize my emptiness.
maybe i'm a hypocrite, for loving the sound of loved surprise
by silence upon another's lips or by muted tears of an embrace
that belongs to anyone but me, i blame my ignorance and myself
for my inability to accept care with composure and respectful poise
and with this understood,
i am fully ready not to accept it at all.
so for another to give what i am ready to let go of,
it confounds me mentally, emotionally and spiritually;
it confuses me thoroughly,
where then is mercy enough to give... that which i cannot express.

confusion

i'm so confused emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

the most memorable moment

what is enough to formulate a not minding of time stopping

the person(s) you care most about,
innocence, gratefulness, serenity and a
plentitude of 'motions i cannot put to the pen.


what practical use does such a memory have

serves as a memory to evaluate values of the past to reaffirm those of the present

melancholy

i want to leave for someplace else

everyone is blind through and with other ppl's eyes

May 18 special day

on the 18th of may 2005 it rained on a sunny day here

meditation

this morning, when just lying there in the sunlight...
i had just finished reading a fiction about the apocalypse

listening to music, either instrumentally intensive or just silence, i can't quite recall;
i contemplated my state, how God was not in my thoughts much;

how i had repeatedly said that i wanted Him to come into my life,
how i had fallen short repeatedly,
how He remains on the fringe of my existence.

it was at least clear that i need Him, and that i miss Him.

i should be asking two questions:
who are you Lord?
what will you have me do?

the step i should take is to reach out and take hold and hold on as if life depended on my contact with you. when will i have the faith, the courage?

Please love me tenderly Christ, i am weak.

checkers

stars are pretty