out of the blue

why is it, that out of the blue
the past comes back to haunt me
i think of times once upon a time
reminisce of that once when
you told me you were waiting for me
and the time that we sat in the guest's room
you asking me what was wrong
and me saying: nothing, that you should go to bed.
and i said it with a smile because i cared.
maybe not out of the blue,
mayhaps it be the loneliness i surround myself with
figures it comes about when i stay detached
detached from everyone only sometimes finding God.
so what is my starlike destiny Lord, to dream, to hope,
to pursue a made up life
or to wake and live and die living or trying.

Psalm 16 (continued)

The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
(i will find my purpose only in you, you are the one true God)

I will not pour out their libations of
blood
or take up their names on my
lips.
(NIV: [i will not] Appeal to or worship them. Your view of me is the only one that matters and i am to be different as a believer.)


LORD, you have assigned me my
portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
(you have determined my destiny and nothing and noone can take it away from me)

The boundary lines have fallen for
me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful
inheritance.
(i know the starlike dance of a destiny you have chosen for me is in my best interest, for "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" and that you watch over even the sparrows.)

Psalm 16 (beginning)

Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
(Lord, protect me from myself, my temptations and sin)

I said to the Lord, “You are my
Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
(You are MY Lord, other than you and what you give I have no good thing, you are the unmistakable first in my life and all good things of mine are from you.)

As for the saints who are in the
land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
(Your disciples, sons and daughters; my teachers, brothers and sisters are my delight)

(to be continued)

thanksgiving

went to MCAC today; very few ppl are familiar with me now; i used to be a regular, but no more.
the pastor never added me to the email list for months, despite being apprentice in small groups since their start and saying he would once or twice.
people act even more awkward with me than before, i'm thinking it's because i've started to become viewed as a spiritual slacker of some sort, or a deviant (due to my confrontational and unconforming style).

today's sermon asked what are we thankful for... i thought and thought and nothing came to mind which i felt thankful enough to be moved... not immediately at least,
then i realised God gave me a little more passion for my life. Before i left montreal, i was living a depressingly mediocre life with a pending sense of dead-endedness. Other people wanted to share and i was intent on giving them priority to me telling everyone that God gave me time away from them and that was what i was thankful for.
i also remembered how God kept good things for me till the time was right; how words from mars i hadn't been spoiled with, how much impact they had because they had been few.
i have a family to be thankful for: a mother, a father, a brother and sister and a sister-in-law and a grandma.
life is not at its worst, life is not at its best, it's as good as i let God do for me, no more, no less. there will always be something to be thankful for.

In the beginning of the sermon, we were given a seed; at its end we were to put our offering money into a bowl of seeds up front, our seed in a cup on the altar and take a fruit from the latter as well. mistakingly, i waved my hand over the bowl, dropping my seed and picking a fruit from the altar and going back to my seat. before sitting down, i realised my mistake in putting the seed in the bowl, smiled and thought it fitting that my destiny possibly lay apart from this congregation, understood that i had nothing holding me back. After the service, i was possibly the first to leave. On my way out, seated at the last row... did i recognize this person correctly?

(flashback)
Karin: Hey Ben, she speaks mandarin also, ...(I can't remember her name) this is Ben, Ben this is ... .
...: Hi *smile* *asks where i was from*
Ben: *remembering a quick wordless encounter* Hi *smiles sheepishly* *explained that i actually only go to chinese school*

the same night, when i was talking to my cousin and sister and their friends, i noticed the same person just standing near, seemingly out of place, after that i left. I'm generally a good judge of people that will come into my life... and for first few weeks wondered to God why i hadn't seen this person again yet. Yet today, she seemed to be sitting alone, didn't she know anyone from congregation?... ...nothing...something holding me back, why God do you offer me hope of change then show me need where i am? I am already indescisive enough as it is.