which one is me, how can they both be?

he sped up the stairs seeing the metro doors caught in suspension, something must have been in their way momentarily; but now whatever it was, was gone and they would close.
up the stairs, racing. the last stretch between the platform and the stairs, racing.
he made it just in time the doors closing, touching his backpack...

taking a breath he looked around, an older woman watched him smiling; and why not he thought, why shouldn't simple and elementary accomplishments bring smiles from us, he had just raced through the doors and succeeded in getting by, a minor personal accomplishment granted, but what did its weight matter? so smile he did as well.

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sitting here, he received a phone call; his brother's spouse, his sister in law; asked for the whereabouts of his brother and mother. having been answered with cluelessness, she informed him that they were probably at the hospital, his father had just gotten his operation. didn't he know? he had been praying for the past while, asking for prayers; so why did he not feel. why is he numb of fear, numb of sympathy and of love.

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how can i know to take the slight joys of life to heart, but not feel when it comes to things so important to me? who am i?