Promises

How to not only keep the promise, but to keep it in the most beautiful way...

identity crisis

not who am i, but who are You;
because the reason i do not know myself is that i do not know You in me. And in the dubious statement that i must become like another to find myself, i know there is truth only because of who You are and who You call me to be.

Natalie Burks - What Will I Do

"I wanna give my heart to you,
show me the way that you want me to."

Off-the-Top-of-my-Head

Lord, i want to search for you everyday;
at least that is what i tell myself weekly.

I've started skipping from church to church and sometimes skipping altogether with the following reasons in mind:
if it will only add to my frustration with its state, i do not wish to put myself in such a precarious position as to be tempted to sin.
i do not wish to make others uncomfortable with my presence.

i am tired of the establishment Lord, aggravated by the limits imposed by human nature on the church.
i know you wish us to respect and follow the leaders, to pray for the teachers and the students, to not judge but to encourage, discipline, to build up.
you wish us to love our brothers and sisters as Christ loves us.

Lord, MCAC has become foreign to me... i no longer know much of the brothers and sisters there, and they do not know me.
Here and there, there are instances of recognition and sincerity and maybe still a strong brotherhood or two amidst; but it seems as if my time there is up and it is time to move on.
the passions which you once instilled within me serving with that portion of your church have passed in fufillment or in failure, and now it seems i must press on in other areas of ministry in other parts.

Is this the truth Father? Is it as Pastor David Tsai once told us MCACers? that there comes a time where everything we have to give to a people is spent and it is time to bring our small contributions to others to continue our work? Is it like that with me?

Wherever you lead me Lord, give me courage and faith enough, and i will go or stay. This is not a promise, but a sincere feeble desire that i wish to be strengthened through my weakness by your strength as time progresses and your works in me increase in number.
Bless me
Amen

A Prayer

"Our Father and our God, thank You for Jesus who shows me how to bear my burdens and sufferings. Help me to exhibit in my life His holiness, His guileless speech, His patience, and His faith in You. Help me, Lord, not to grow weary or to lose heart but to remember You are in control. In the Savior's name. Amen." -Billy Graham (Unto the Hills)

I'm Glad

my parents may soon get to retire,
my brother is happy with a new game plan,
i've got one more exam, i'll find my life yet
life is good

I hung there, bleeding, thirsty and alone.
man hopes for a picturesque vision of a glorious death where even dying he stands,
but I hung there.





I saw him dying,
I had willed him to die and reject him as he did.





I was waiting…
I saw him born, still waiting…
I saw him die, still waiting…
then he taught once more and came home
and I had left.




I am after him and yet reap all the benefits.

What is Your name?

SOURCE: http://cslewis.drzeus.net/papers/success.html
CONTEXTt: reffers to a book from the Chronicles of Narnia, by C. S. Lewis

"In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the fifth book of the series, Aslan tells the children that although they must return to their own world, they can find him there also (Hooper 123). Aslan says, "There I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there" (Hooper 123). Some of Lewis' readers wonder what the significance of this statement is and begin to search for Aslan here on earth. Hila, an eleven year old girl from the United States asked Lewis what Aslan's name is in this world (Dorsett 31-32). His response was this:

As to Aslan's other name, well I want you to guess. Has there never been anyone in this world who (1.) Arrived at the same time as Father Christmas. (2.) Said he was the son of the great Emperor. (3.) gave himself up for someone else's fault to be jeered at and killed by wicked people. (4.) Came to life again. (5.) Is sometimes spoken of as a Lamb.... Don't you really know His name in this world. Think it over and let me know your answer! (Dorsett 32)"

rain on the windowpane

there's something calming...
about just observing the raindrops
that have come to rest on a windowpane

Father and Mother: Son, you will study to become successful and reknown.

Son: Why is this so important to you?

Father and Mother: Because we love you, we want to offer you the best that we never had.

Son: Father, Mother, you have both worked hard at low wages at jobs you do not like but persevere because of responsability. if you want to offer me the best that you never had, can i have a job that i like?

Father and Mother: No. you will become successful and reknown, it is what is best for you, you'll understand when you grow older.

sometimes have to let the moth struggle,
the story as paraphrased in daily bread:

"At the same time, I was reminded of the story of a man who took home a cocoon so he could watch the emperor moth emerge. As the moth struggled to get through the tiny opening, the man enlarged it with a snip of his scissors. The moth emerged easily—but its wings were shriveled. The struggle through the narrow opening is God's way to force fluid from its body into its wings. The "merciful" snip, in reality, was cruel. "

earth

It's sad to confess,
that despite my heart's unrest,
i do not feel sorrow,
like a watcher of a music by cello
an instrument playing a sad mellow tune
I’m stuck outside, just watching through the windowpane
observing their, tears and long faces dressed in pain
but I am unhearing, I’m deaf to the tune
all I know is what I see through my youth
I live through a few funerals
think of em as the literals
all the ceremonious frivolities I’m looking at
and thinking
they’re in a better place,
how sometimes I wish I could be in that place
I don’t feel at home in the world anymore
and it’s left my spirit and heart melancholy sore
my time is still not up
sometimes for no reason my tears just erupt
I don’t know if it’s because I miss someone
or just because I know I don’t belong.

forgiveness, thankfulness, loved, uncertainty, trust and dependence

May your forgiveness to me, be unlike a wage, which is earned, expected and whose time and amount are predictable and fathomable.
Instead, awe me, that it be like a gift from my favorite person in and out of the world, not deserved, unexpected, its time a surprise and its cost in love fathomless.
That i may feel thankful and praise you.

May i go through life undeserving, not expecting, adhering to your time and love which i cannot know in any definite fashion but through faith.

I cannot calculate my circumstances, but not a sparrow will fall to the ground apart from the Father's will. Much like such a sparrow but more so that you would send Christ to die, my days are counted by you and each moment proof of your sovereignty and love, these revealed in your good time bring gratefulness of undeserving attention and care to which any attempt of mine to repay you for your goodness is inadequate.

I am not afraid to trust in a destiny because you are the weaver of time.